US Marine who uncovered the key causes and solutions to the veteran suicide crisis set to participate in lengthy phase 3 FDA study using MDMA assisted psychotherapy to treat PTSD.
“I was never a believer in PTSD, until I was diagnosed with it. Now I pretend to manage it. Using meditation, exercise, mindfulness, vitamins, minerals, and other non-traditional, self prescribed modalities. I’ve been able to masterfully disguise symptoms, implement avoidance and coping strategies, and appear absolutely “normal” to those not living under the same roof, or in my head. Just ask my wife and kids. They get to deal with the nasty side of it all.”
- Daniel R. Gaita, MA, LMSW
US Marine, LCPL Dan Gaita during service in Somalia, 1994
Gaita decided to take a more direct approach to understanding this dilemma. He sought to become an “expert” on PTSD and suicide. Thanks to the encouragement of his Danbury, CT Vet Center counselor, Dr. Thomas Quinn, in 2013, Gaita returned to college for a second masters degree. An MSW with a concentration in Mental Health and Military Families from combined studies at Fordham University and the University of Southern California. He finished in 2017 as a member of the Phi Alpha Honor Society earning a 3.93 GPA.
During his time at USC, Gaita conducted exhausting research to uncover the primary causes of and solutions to the veteran suicide crisis. During his final year of grad school, he dropped a proverbial bomb-shell on the mental health community during his presentation at USC.
Daniel R. Gaita, MA, LMSW presents ground breaking research data during MUSC Fall 2019 Social Work Conference.
Chart of suicide rates by category created by Gaita and presented at multiple conferences.
He challenged the status-quo perspective that the rise in US Armed Forces suicides were the result of combat trauma and repeated deployments. He went further and shocked the VA and mental health communities with data demonstrating the highest rates of suicide are committed by veterans that never deployed, never saw combat, were administratively discharged under less than honorable conditions, never went to the VA, served less than 2 years and finally, lacked a college education. Nobody saw it coming.
Since then, Gaita has conducted several pilot studies measuring the impact of medical marijuana, in reducing anxiety, depression, PTSD and pain amongst combat veterans. He’s been featured in a mini-documentary on medical marijuana for PTSD and has conducted two pilot studies on the impact of camaraderie based exercise events in reducing anxiety, depression, pain and PTSD. One of which is currently being considered for journal submission.
Gaita, also a volunteer research assistant at the Citadel Military College of South Carolina is operating under the guidance of Dr. Daniel Bornstein, investigating the impact of exercise as both a mental health modality in the fight against suicide and as a national security tool, ensuring the readiness of our troops.
Recently, Gaita decided to become a double blind test subject in the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies current Phase 3 trial of (ecstasy/molly) MDMA-assisted psychotherapy for PTSD. A first of its kind for the FDA, which is also taking place in seven European countries in 2020. The process of participation in this study is lengthy. Covering 19-38 weeks and includes various forms of psychological testing, physical exams, multiple blood labs, urinalysis, and an electrocardiogram (ECG). Comprised of about twenty separate site visits, three of which are overnight stays, nine integrative talk therapy sessions, multiple questionnaires and a 50% probability of taking MDMA or a placebo. Finally, they do provide about $350 for participants who complete the entire study.
Based on the MAPS study Informed Consent,
“Before MDMA became illegal in 1985, some psychologists and psychiatrists combined it with psychotherapy to help people with psychological problems or challenges, including PTSD and couples therapy. Though we do not know exactly why it may help people with PTSD, we know that MDMA may increase positive mood and changes the way we see and think about the world around us, making it easier to think about and recall things that happened to us that are upsetting. People say they feel caring and forgiving toward themselves and others during the MDMA experience. It is possible that these drug effects, when combined with psychotherapy, help people work through thoughts, memories and emotions related to PTSD and other past experiences.
This study will test the safety of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy and whether it works.” (p 3)
Gaita intends to chronicle his participation in this research study in hopes it can better serve the combat veteran community, assist in mental health research and treatment outcomes, and perhaps treat his symptoms too. Check back for updates as the study progresses.
Feb 17, 2022 - 9:00am: Experimental Session 1 of 3
Show up, greeted by the two doctors, provide urine sample for drug testing, 80 mg of MDMA administered. Blind folds on, headphones on, lay down, focus on breathing (Transcendental meditation), transition to Progressive Muscular Relaxation. Thankful to God for this opportunity and praying for his divine guidance throughout the event.
A large gold door in the open with no walls appears. 12-15’ high. Possums at the foot of the door moving around. My children and I holding hands, swirling around wife’s lifeless body, dark, laying down, weak. We cant seem to figure our how to raise her up but we keep trying to swirl around her as energy (no longer in our physical form) but we can’t get her up to her feet.
What I can only describe as a combination of Dantes Inferno and the Sistine Chapels, Last Judgement painting. Steep cliffs, a deep hole, ledges working their way up the sides of the hole. Dark entities (both in color and spirit) laying about the scene. Tired, exhausted. I am watching it all from the top of the ledge, looking down into the large hole. It is so deep. They all seem to be lost in despair and darkness. I am now light, no longer in physical form, flying into the hole trying to give the dark souls a spark, to lift them up and out. It is tiring because some have no remaining energy to move.
Then a huge beam of white light shoots out of the hole, upward into the sky. All of the dark spirits are shot out of the hole. Some grow wings like angels and continue to fly and ascend. Others, lifelessly fall back into the pit.
My mind then opens the aperture further and I am suddenly aware that hole was only one of thousands. Each equally deep and full of lifeless spirits stuck in the darkness of their souls.
I notice other bright lights swirling into the holes trying, as was I, to left them out. The lights which we became appeared like bright white orbs. We would periodically intertwine upward and recharge one another before heading back to work at lifting the dark souls up. This process made us appear as the tail of a comet as we recharged our sprits to continue on. The dark souls we were trying to life up had no faces. Just dark, weak, lifeless, human-like figures.
I was working together with the doctors in the room and with others too. All of us were bright white orbs. Yet without any physical features we all knew who the others were. Our job was to deliver the spark of energy, life force needed to lift up the spirits around us. The realization here was that it can’t be done alone and we need each other to recharge our ability to carry on, or risk becoming one of the lost and dark souls ourselves.
The vital nature of physical exercise and nutrition became abundantly clear. I watched it impact the body, from inside my body, anatomically and physiologically. Without it, there is no energy. Without that energy, there can be no spark.
I journey into my body through various system, observing my heart and lungs, becoming the air in my lungs and seeing the impact of what I eat throughout my systems. I stare at my beating heart from inside my chest as an observer. The deer we hunt became my flesh upon touching it. We become one with everything we put into our bodies. Pay attention to what you eat. It should grow or walk on the planet. Avoid the man made fake foods and sugars and fats.
Then an awareness that my mind was in complete control of the experience and I could pick and choose where I would go, who or what memory I would visit and how those experiences were reflective of the totality of life. I was able to transition as either an observer, participant or both simultaneously. Total clarity and understanding without feeling or emotions.
Replaying every place and experience to garner a comprehension of the universal connection between everything and everyone. Like being able to simultaneously separate each thread in a tapestry to understand its place and purpose. Awe inspiring.
When processing this with the doctors I could only describe it as going from looking at life through one dimension (like a one sided sheet of paper) into a single six sided cube with multiple intersections of biological, environmental, psychological and spiritual cohesions of understanding. Further evolving into an entire rubrics cube with 27 separate cubes. Cubes that could be separated and joined at will.
I was now becoming aware that I was merely an observer able to visit and see again all traumas and experiences throughout my life. But through what felt like infinite perspectives of understanding and comprehension. All without any emotion or feeling. Only what I was able to describe as determined focus, but at peace through it all.
I spent the entire day voluntarily going from place to place via memory to memory. Able to look at each event thru infinite perspectives. Each leading to understanding and a growing comprehension of how one event impacts another. Not just for me, but for all of those that were a part of the events visited.
Many more experiences occurred that are hard to articulate using words. Until the next session….
Feb 4, 2022 - 9:00 am: Experimental Session 2 of 3
Show up, greeted by the two doctors, provide urine sample for drug testing, 80 mg of MDMA administered. Blind folds on, headphones on, lay down, focus on breathing (Transcendental meditation), transition to Progressive Muscular Relaxation. Thankful to God for this opportunity and praying for his divine guidance throughout the event.
The exact order and sequence of events that unfold is hard to articulate due to volume of activity occurring simultaneously in the mind. But here is a synopsis:
All emotion gone. I have become an observer. The analogy of the rubrics cube I had seen during session one is now floating in an open, dark space. All around, thousands of tiny puzzle pieces emerge. Nothing on them, but each containing everything. I am able to break apart the rubrics cube into each of its individual pieces and then form it together again. At will. I was also able to do the same with the tiny puzzle pieces. Bringing them all together from their infinate numbers, apart, together and apart. All being done at will, in the vastness of open darkness and space of the mind. Then the infinite puzzle pieces take the shape of each of the cubes on the rubrics cube. Again, as before, I am able to separate and reconnect it all at will and without touching anything. I am watching while simultaneously understanding the experience as an evolutionary curriculum of the mind showing me what is happening before anything else occurs. Telling me, you thought what you witnessed last time was amazing, now watch this. Then I am holding onto a crystal, light shining through it creates a prism effect. I am able to manipulate the light by turning the crystal. Then squeeze the crystal in my hand, it turns to dust. I blow the crystal dust out of my hand and it becomes dust particle of crystals, each with their own prism of light. An infinite amount of them.
A picture of my wife and children is displayed in front of me. Our middle child barely visible behind us. Then a message: Pull her forward. I do. Then the image is of her in front of me with my arms over her shoulders, hugging her in the middle of the image. Flanked by the eldest. Then a message: She is good. She is ok. referring to the eldest child. Followed by her winking at me. The youngest of our three children is now pulling us all forward, representing energy. Then my wife, again looking dark and depressed as she was during the prior session is still on the ground. I observe her, watching her with our children, trying to figure out how to lift up her spirit from this heavy darkness she is stuck in. Then a message: Abandonment. I observe all of her thoughts feelings and emotions. All of the stories she’s shared over two decades about her childhood, adolescent life, struggles and traumas with a clarity words can’t describe become crystal clear. This then followed by an awareness of the solution via another message: Acknowledge her, all of her. Next I observe me lifting her up off the ground, placing her left arm over my shoulder, my left arm holds her weak hand over the left side of my neck while I wrap my right arm around her waste. Holding her up, we begin to walk. The children looking at me. They are pleased. We walk away as she begins to gain strength. Our youngest child has an energy pulling us all forward. I decide come out to process. Blind folds & head phones off, go pee. Return to the bed to process the feeling of awe at this experience and the clarity of the messages from that journey.
I lay back down, blind folds and headphones back on, attention to breathing and head back in. The puzzle pieces and the rubrics cube reemerge. I pull them apart and back together at will. Vladmir Putin appears, large explosions rock Ukraine. The spirits of those killed in the explosion rise up above the impact, holding hands, in a circle, dancing to the right and back to the left. Still in human form wearing blue and gold outfits. No pain or suffering. They seem almost celebratory as they look down and observe. Two large nuclear explosions appear, then Putin appearing deranged, has been removed from power and placed into an insane asylum or other secure institution. He is mashing his teeth and murmuring sounds like he has lost his mind. Next, I am observing the convoy of Russian tanks and vehicles stopping and pulling off to the sides of the roads. They have refused to fight, have walked away from thier equipment and have melted in with the Ukrainian population. Holding hands and celebrating the war is over and a mantra of “Never again” is written on the protest banners amongst the people there. The tanks and trucks are then driven and parked at a large depot and left behind.
A clarity that our human form of verbal, language based communication is limiting humanity. That our physical form and physical world is also extraordinarily limited. Almost imprisoning. All non-human life, plants and animals express their disgust and disappointment in humanity. I understand why by observing it. I again come out from behind the blinds to process the experiences. Only to feel this awareness that when I take off the blinds everything in the physical world appeared very limited compared to the infinite experience I was observing while my eyes were closed and covered. Blood pressure and heart rate elevated.
I am then administered another 40 mg of MDMA. I head back in, breath, relax, and take a little journey through space. What looks like the Hubble deep space image goes deeper. Apparently using the new telescope that was supposed to discover the origins of time by reaching back just a bit further than Hubble could. I am struck with a realization that it never ends. That what our telescopes are seeking will not be found because the infinite vastness of everything is far greater than we can comprehend. So I fly back into earth becoming wind, then water, then wind again. Then a message: “We can not see the wind, yet it is. So too is everything else”. Amazed, grateful for the experience, I thank God and pray for his guidance as we continue.
In rapid succession an indescribable amount of awareness via observation occurs. The word epiphany would undervalue of the experience. Even the term quantum holds no measure to this period of awareness I observed. Still without any emotional feeling, the journey continues.
Energy, like a rope of light about 1”-2” thick enters my left palm, I observe it in my body as what I can only describe as awareness totally filling every cell in my body before it exits out of the palm of my right hand.
My body becomes warm, all physical sensation is gone, I am weightless. But still able to maintain my groundedness on demand with a touch of my finger to the bed. Zero physical pain and still zero emotional feeling. Only what I can describe as being able to witness emotions without feeling them; as an observer, with no human emotion. Just a focused, determined curiosity and openness to receive what ever thoughts enter my mind. It was as though feeling emotion would only serve to obstruct where the mind was headed.
Now a long line of Samurai warriors appears. Each kneeling side by side. Swords in front of them straight down into the ground with their heads bent forward. The front of their helmets leaning on the top of the sword handle. One of the warriors emerges, walking from the far right end of the line. He positions himself to the left side of the first kneeling warrior, raises his sword, chops the head off the Samurai. His head rolls off the body onto the ground in front of the Samurai. Then he too kneels down to the left of the now dead Samurai. The process continues with the next Samurai walking form the right side of the long line to the left. Cutting off the head of the next Samurai. Until the last Samurai realizes that there is nobody left to behead and he is standing there alone looking down the line of dead Samurai. He is lost, rain begins to pour, thunder, and then a male Lion appears. The Lion looks upon the remaining Samurai with disdain. The Samurai then sheds his uniform, sword, belt and helmet, while walking off into the rain.
To the right, a date palm tree shedding dates in the wind. I look towards the base of the palm tree, the Virgin Mary is giving birth to Jesus Christ. Baby Jesus walks over to the Lion, grabs it by the long mane, climbs up onto the Lion and the Lion begins to walk away, parallel to the lifeless line of Samurai bodies.
As Jesus leaves on the Lion, the heads roll back up and onto the bodies of the Samurai. In unison they all stand up and raise their swords with both hands straight above their heads, stabbing them downward into the ground. They all then simultaneously face right, shed off all of their gear and walk off.
A message: You have seen enough. Don’t get greedy. I remove my headphones and eye-covers, sit up, in awe, amazed, we process. It is about 3:45pm or so. We still have more time and I am still curious if anything else might be in there.
Blind folds and headphones on, in I go. Breath, relax. I am looking up at me looking down at me and the doctors. I do not see a physical image of myself when I look up at me. But rather some indescribable cloud like form that is my spirit. It/I am simultaneously looking down at my physical body laying on the bed as well as the two doctors on both sides of me. Then I turn into a swirl of dust particles and light energy. I swirl around the first doctor and feel as though I need to tell him to contact your cousin, he needs to hear from you. To let him know how much he protected you as a child. Next my dust swirls around the other doctor who I am holding a yin-yang symbol for. A message comes to me: Tell her to catch the symbol, throw it to her and tell her, balance. So I do. Next I see the male doctor playing the piano in a tux, while other plays a violin but wants to play congo drums. Then she plays the drums.
Many more experiences occurred that are hard to articulate using words. Until the next session….
April 8, 2022 - 9:00 am: Final Experimental Session 3 of 3
Following the final session I questioned the value of even sharing the experience. Too dark, prophetic, and unpleasant, albeit profound. Unlike the first two MDMA assisted experimental sessions, this one starts off in a very dark and tormented place. Not at all what I had experienced during any of the other sessions. This time, I would be presented with sweeping and extreme shifts of emotional sensations covering beautiful peace to absolute, emotionally excruciating torment.
Exact order impossible to summarize, but here is the synopsis:
Show up, greeted by the two doctors, provide urine sample for drug testing, 80 mg of MDMA administered. Blind folds on, headphones on, lay down, focus on breathing (Transcendental meditation), transition to Progressive Muscular Relaxation. Thankful to God for this opportunity and praying for His divine guidance throughout the event.
The animal in this sessions picked from the deck of cards is the horse (see more about the cards in Jan 18, 2020 notes)
With the Russian invasion of Ukraine center of thought, I begin to witness EU/NATO and other world leaders riding on horseback, headless. Then satan appears, just his face, in outer space, laughing at humanity, as he relishes the suffering caused by the “world leaders”. Like puppets on satans strings riding unbridled horses, the world leaders confusingly collide with one another like a bunch of bumbling fools, absent any comprehension of their collective dysfunction. Appearing like lost superegos misguiding their own egos. Or as my mind said: “the danger of the prideful human ego.”
Hitler, Mao Zedong, Joseph Stalin, Putin, and many others appeared as tormented souls existing in an internal fury of hellish suffering. God’s wrath, as promised, firmly within them. But as I looked upon them, I too could feel their torment, darkness, and suffering. What I was feeling was a warning that this level of torment and suffering awaits those who sin and bring suffering upon others.
It was as though I was able to quite literally feel the torment of those manipulating and deceiving humanity. Seeing not only their individual evil, but the circumstances which proceeded it. Like my mind was bringing me on a history lesson using examples of “if this, than that”.
I have never felt such darkness. Never before did I experience torment like this. It was an indescribably awful, mashing of teeth type sadness. So much so that I second guessed taking the supplemental dose for this session.
With the blind folds off, now sitting upright and processing the heaviness of that experience, my blood pressure had significantly increased and my heart rate is up about 40 beats above baseline. I was sweating profusely, soaked. Sitting in an indescribable dark mental space. Staring outwardly. Perplexed by the weight of the experience.
After about 10 minutes digesting the darkness of that experience, I continued ahead with the supplemental dose and went back in. I am glad I did.
I again became an observer. Feeling and emotion melted away as it had the first two sessions. But the awareness of those emotions and sensations remained. Neatly placed upon a shelf within my “mindsight”.
A simultaneous flow of the wisdom imparted upon man by the ancient texts enters (or opens). All the lessons of Proverbs implanted firmly, repeated with examples.
Then one by one they begin to appear, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Buddha, Abraham Lincoln, Jesus with Moses, David, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the presence of what I can only identify as God. Not in any human form, just very much there.
One by one, they would appear and ask a simple question: “Do you understand?”
Lincoln was standing amongst the battle fields of the Civil War with smoke haze and bodies on the ground all around and asks me: “Do you understand?”MLK, from the motel balcony where he was shot asks me: “Do you understand"? Gandhi with his hands out, shrugging and asking me: “Do you understand?” Buddha from under the tree, asks the same question.
As each appears, their existence unfolds before me in an instant, one after the other. Providing a constant stream of examples of how fundamentally flawed humanity is. How the most righteous can be brought down and the punishment for such spiritual descent. A warning to hold the course of good (Love God and each other) or else.
Jesus, when appearing, capstones the experience as his sufferings are poured out in front of me in an instant. An overwhelming comprehension of the flawed nature of man when driven by desires for power, wealth and materiality play out. The sins of His disciples, the repentence and redemption of the others.
Within each second unfolded infinite (dust like) examples of humanity. So many of them covering all human existence.
Another ever present image that enters throughout the session is that of Yin and Yang (Balance); that good and evil coexists for a purpose. That the decision to commit to either is ours. Yet this session seemed to reinforce this with emotions and sensations I would prefer never to experience.
A continual theme of warnings: If you do good, here is the reward. However, if you choose evil here is the torment. With an infinite amount of historical examples each intertwined with its common elements. Primarily, greed, and lust for power; contrast with love, compassion, and simply doing what is good and right.
A very clear lesson and warning to never use knowlege or wisdom for evil. Better yet, if you do, here is what the consequences will feel, smell, taste and look like.
Processing continues in my head: Two horses, one white the other black. I can not tell if I am on both of the horses or if I am standing with or between them. But we are together, watching as the headless world leaders roam mindlessly in their own torment atop their stampede of dark and directionless horses.
I am reminded of what I am capable of, the imagery of the horses emblematic of my capacity for both, light and dark. Then both appear to be running together around the lost stampede, encircling it. With the dark horse ready to battle while the white horse monitors, observes and evaluates. A reminder to maintain balance and the intense warnings of what happens when we fail to.
With the work now done, how will we get this treatment to the masses? Especially if it works so well and threatens the mental health paradigm status quo. Perhaps that is the next chapter? We shall see.
Phase 3 FDA Study - Gaita is a placebo subject (Does not receive MDMA during psychotherapy)
Jan 2020-May 2020
January 10, 2020:
Up until this point, all sessions have been merely preparatory. Including a physical exam, ECG, medical screening, drug testing, various psychological measures, and two (2:1) psychotherapy sessions where I receive initial guidance by two psychotherapist on what to expect.
Essentially, they’ve begun conducting a thorough case assessment covering biopsychosocial realms. The challenge: allowing myself to open up enough to let them get where this all needs to go. Tearing off the band-aid, in order to scrub out the wounds, before they can start to heal.
As a clinician myself, I am cognitively aware that this needs to happen, but there is a lot of shit in here that needs to be cleaned out. Opening each box of issues is like replaying the worst parts of the movie of your life. Childhood physical abuse. Watching my parents physically fight. Seeing my brothers beaten by my father. Being mugged at age 10. Witnessing women and children being abused, raped, or starving.
All these vivid memories stored in the various regions of the brain, when recalled, cascade into uncontrollable tears and an inability to speak until collecting myself and putting the lid back on those boxes. With an understanding that the subconscious processing will continue. Whether I like it or not.
Until it all manifests again in my dreams. But we all know dreams have a way of distorting our memories. Combining them into strange mash-ups, seemingly out of your control. Until awakening in a pool of sweat. Thankful it was only a dream.
With an understanding of how these adverse events throughout my life have impacted my development (positively and negatively) it’s like having a manual on what to do, what not to do. But being unable to read it at times.
Acknowledging that what I am is not always the best I can be. That my wife is fully justified in being tired of it. She just wants my time, but I am too busy staying occupied so I can avoid the pain. Both emotional and physical. Sound familiar to any of you? Let’s talk about it. Until next time.
January 14, 2020:
How do you feel today?
Todays session, about 2 hours, was via web based conference call. This one, number 3 of 20, was an assessment of PTSD symptoms. The challenge being the requirement to, yet again, recall some pretty specific details of those events and then try to articulate how they've impacted my life over the last 30 days. Not very easy to do.
Since this is research, I am well aware they must establish a baseline that will be used to measure any correlation between the therapy, MDMA (or placebo) intervention, and outcome. The evaluator was fantastic.
This was not a psychotherapy session. It was me, talking to a neuropsych on the computer screen. A total stranger for the first time. Carry on.
Repeatedly discussing this shit in this format is not how I prefer to spend my afternoons. But it is what I signed up for. Let the digging begin.
You leave this session with a very depressed mood, flattened affect, and all the vivid images of those memories flying around. Nausea and a general shitty disposition permeate.
Ideally I would’ve liked to hit the gym right after, but life and kids school schedule dictate an alternate course, for today. Pick up my daughter, bring her to the playground, and put on my glasses so she can’t see the pain. Then try to let her youthful joy lift up my spirit before my wife and other two daughters get home. It works, sometimes.
The next session, in three days will be another 2:1, three hour psychotherapy session with more assessments. Then, hopefully head back over to the Citadel, for much needed exercise and camaraderie with the cadets, veterans and faculty in the form of Underwater Rugby. Because without physical exercise it all remains locked up.
You have to exercise. It's vital. It's like unwrapping that memory foam mattress and watching it expand to full size. To reach our full potential, all that crap must come out.
Until then….
January 17th, 2020
Notice anything since last time?
We start with a drug screen via urine sample. Today’s three hour session was both evaluatory and preparatory. (another set of subjective measurements encompassing early life, through the last 30 days). I believe about ten separate scales which took about an hour or so. With far less emotional dysregulation, we focused on what to expect during the intervention session to take place tomorrow.
I was advised not to try to control the experience, but to rather let it unfold. To be aware of the disciplined structure of my coping mechanisms. To be open to the moment. To attempt a Zen like mindfulness.
No caffeine in the morning. We start at 9am and go till 5pm. With no idea of whether or not I will be receiving the placebo or MDMA. Then I sleep there overnight, and begin again the next morning at 9am with another three hour session. Let’s see what happens next.
January 18th, 2020
A lot takes place in this 8 hour period. Trying to recall specific order is a challenge. But the event essentially unfolds like so: The intervention begins with another drug screen via urine sample. Then I take my place on the bed. Any position, and move as freely as needed to maintain comfort. Music of various regions and genres playing, an option to wear headphones and blindfolds. I chose neither to begin with. A pre-intervention blood-pressure test is done. 138/89, much higher than typical for me, but nothing of concern. Then I am handed the pills, not knowing whether I would be taking MDMA or a Placebo.
The bed I used, which had me flanked by the two therapist.
Then, an interesting and unexpected twist. One of the two therapist shuffles a deck of cards. “Medicine Cards.” Keeping an open mind I play along and she presents me with the shuffled deck whereby I select a random card, flip it over to find I chose the Black Panther. This being an entirely new approach to me, I thought it better to simply share images of the related text and pages of the publication with you rather than explain.
Typically, I am not one who subscribes to this type of activity. I never had an interest in palm readings or tarot cards either. It’s just not something I ever put much thought in. I prefer the teachings of Christ through the scriptures in the Bible. But the significance of the card will play out as the day unfolds.
An hour has passed and I feel petty certain that I have taken the placebo only. Not noticing much of a change from my typical baseline, albeit some reduction in pain. Most noticeably a shifting of my chronic headaches from the frontal lobe and both temporal hemispheres to only the left side. Then gone. Nothing odd. No abnormal sensations.
Regardless, I am here to do the work that I signed up for. Let the unfolding begin.
Not so simple. “What are you noticing”, the therapist asks. I reply: “pretty sure I am still at baseline, and most likely a placebo test subject.”
With eight hours, a good portion of time is spent sitting, lying down, listening to the music, exploring thoughts, any thoughts as they enter the mind. However, I am unable to stop scanning the environment, looking at the imperfect tape seems along the ceiling, the trees outside the windows with the squirrels on them, and the art work in the room. So that is what I begin to talk about while sitting upright.
“What are you feeling? What sensations?”asked the therapist. All I could muster was that I was feeling resistant to the processes. Like I was trying to keep the lid on the box. Not ready to open it. “Where is the feeling” they asked. “In my chest, stomach, diaphragm”, I answered. “Excellent” they replied. I then thought, perhaps if I lay down, I could allow the box to open a little easier, that perhaps sitting upright was holding it closed.
Since I have a little background and experience in mindfulness meditation and progressive muscular relaxation techniques, I set out to put them into practice. I shifted onto my back, placing the pillow behind my head, closed my eyes, begin breathing and work on centering my thoughts around each breath.
Several breath cycles in, adjustments of position, and I begin to describe a spinning vortex, like a ball, shaped like a galaxy. It is present where the unopened box feeling had just been prior. Then the image fades out and the Black Panther emerges.
Not as some hallucination, but only what I can describe as simply an image brought out by the conscious minds use of the card I drew. Nothing cosmic or of some other realm. Just my mind using the image to bring me to a thought, a feeling, an emotion. The Panther was in a circus cage, as I described. I was peering at it from outside the cage. It was restlessly pacing from side to side as any caged animal would do. Then a rush of sadness.
Next I set out to walk up to the cage to free it. But as I get closer the panther turns and walks away. It was not in a circus cage, but rather a cave that had a cage door at its front. I watch him walk onto the darkness of the cave and then see his yellow eyes peering out at me from the darkness.
Next I look around to the left side of the cave and notice a crease in the rocks. more like a path created by water carving out the stone. I want to explore it. I feel like I need to find some other way in order to let it out.
But first I needed to drop my pack that I was now aware I had been carrying. As I explore deeper into the crevice I notice three Black Panther cubs looking at me from a short distance. Staring at me, and I back at them. Tears and sadness rush through me. I can sense the adult panther still in the cave, through the rocks to my right.
“What do you think this means ?” the therapists ask. We discuss me being one of three children, also a father of three children, and the children in Somalia. We discuss each in a little greater detail to explore possible meanings. Nothing absolute. Just exploring.
By this time, about two-three hours have passed and I have already had to urinate four or five times. Blood
-pressure: still higher than usual, about 140/93
Now I offer to put on the eye covers and headphones. Cycle through another round of mindfulness breathing. Within several minutes A bald Eagle emerges overhead. Majestically hovering over her three baby eagles in their nest. Then I discuss the methods used by the Bald Eagle to teach it’s young to fly. She brings them up high into the sky, then drops them.
Break for lunch. Discuss. settle in for afternoon processing.
Blinds on, Headphones on, Several breathing cycles and a beautiful (Sunrise, Sunset) ocean and beach scene arrives. Clear, glass like calm rolling waves. Orange sky. Then, I peer to my right, looking down the beach. Ocean on the left side, beach on the right and now I am looking at that Panther and the three cubs walking away from me. The Panther, walking with its usual swagger and the cubs to the left playfully leaning into one another. Immediate tears of sadness, replaced by immediate tears of happiness.
Next, what I can only describe as a rapid ascent to what I compared to the universe as looking through the Hubble Telescope. There I remained for a few moments, staring out, at the amazing complexity of the universe. For one very brief moment even experiencing the feeling of weightlessness. If only for a second, but long enough to have been able to report it. Even feeling the sensation in my diaphragm of what I could only describe as the pressure a moon must feel when orbiting a planet.
Then a nearly immediate descent back to the beach scene. Now the panthers were gone, but this time I was the wind traveling over the waves. Rushes of emotions, sadness filled with awe, to happiness, occurring in what seemed like an instant.
Then back up again, into the heavens where I could look down upon our blue planet. Feeling reminded of the universal connectedness we all share. That human suffering is universal. Yet so too is love.
It’s now after 4pm. I am tired. We transition to discuss how the images of this experience can help us look at ourselves and our reactions to the world we live in.
The end goal, for me at least, for now: How to be a more patient and loving father, husband, and friend.
We finish the session, I order dinner. Sushi. Recall this all and share it with you. Until tomorrow, I rest. Good Night. Blood Pressure, 115/74
January 26 Update:
Since the last session (overnight) I enjoyed about five solid days without intrusive memories or other symptoms. It was quite enjoyable and had a calming effect on the family too. It’s what I would refer to as an acute period of symptomatic reduction brought on by the intense level of work done to understand the underlying causes of all the symptoms. By day six and seven, I noticed it took more of a struggle to manage it all. Still managing much better than prior, but a shift towards baseline. Will keep you posted. Next all day and overnight stay scheduled for early next month.
January 31st Update:
Let’s talk about your feelings…..
Today, after discussing the timeline of my return to baseline symptoms since the January 18th, 2020 overnight session, the therapy team really wanted to dig into the physical feelings going on inside. Literally, what was I physically feeling when experiencing the onset or either rage, anger, intrusive thoughts, etc. So we attempted to go down that rabbit hole, trying to discover the root causes. Investigating who “I” am and why.
All I could muster was the simple teachings of God and Christ. That, through Christ, we have all been recipients of Gods forgiveness. Which paves the road of personal redemption, for those who seek to travel it. I discussed my disgust in humanity. My lack of trust in nearly everyone. The challenge and requirement of forgiveness.
That all I want to do in this lifetime is climb that ladder of redemption, acting as an example to my wife, children, community, country and humanity. To give them all something to aspire to. Something greater than themselves, without need for financial wealth and materiality.
When you witness how evil humanity is, when you read the ancient texts to only be reminded that the patterns of human existence do not change. That we, as a species, are no more civilized today than when we dwelled in caves, it shifts your personal sense of purpose. Forces you to look at life through a more universal prism. At least this is what my own internal bias, ethics, faith and personal beliefs drill down to.
Humanity has seemingly mastered one thing since our recorded history: The ability to kill each other. With all of our capacity to learn, love, and create, we still annihilate each other on a scale that is really hard to fathom when you draw the aperture back and look at the planet through eyes of our universe.
Then I was asked “Do you think you are Christ or God?” - “No, of course not.” I said. Not a single one of us on this planet can make that claim. Beware if someone ever does. Further, nearly all those who have tried to teach us to follow God’s simple rules have all been lynched, crucified, mocked, ridiculed, hanged, burnt, stoned or buried. We (humans) kill all the good ones. It’s just what we do. Christ himself is only one example of this phenomena.
An observation that requires no religious preference. Just a simple review of humanity in action throughout our recorded history and present day.
So yes, I am hard on myself. Because my children are watching me. I do not want to be like the hypocrites, or the spectators, or those who ask for forgiveness on Sunday then perpetuate evil again on Monday. I have had my time of sin, a lot of time, a lot of sin. Therefore, the option of perpetuating those acts over and again should’ve expired. I should know better. I should be better. The path of redemption requires it. The health and wealth of the spirit rests in our discipline over our selfish desires.
“And how does it feel, carrying all that responsibility?” they asked me.
Me: Speechless, than a rush of feelings into my heart, chest, up into my head, then tears.
We let that sink in for a few….
Next, we worked to parse out some things to work on during the next all day/overnight stay. I could only summarize it like this. All the thoughts and feelings discussed today are like a soup. Next we work on reverse engineering the soup. One ingredient at a time.
Until then. Be well everyone.
February 8th Update:
This was the second of three all day, 8 hour, two-on-one psychotherapy sessions. Followed by an overnight stay and another hour-and-a-half, two-on-one psychotherapy session the next morning. Challenging, deep, and intense wrought with swinging waves of emotions and feelings. With all day long to dig deeper and process them as they emerge.
This one was much harder than the first on January 8th. I am almost certain that I am a placebo participant. Meaning, I am undergoing this treatment without the MDMA. So, internally I am well aware that I am not benefiting from the substance being researched. I signed up for that 50% probability, so here we go.
Piss into the cup, drug test is clean, blood pressure and resting heart rate are great. My head is pounding. I’ve taken my place on the bed. Just like last time I draw a “medcine card”. This time it’s a Dragon Fly. (feel free to read its meaning in the images to the right).
I am handed the pills, take them with some coconut water. I lay down, put on the blindfold and headphones. I guide myself through a series of meditative breathing cycles followed by some progressive muscular relaxation techniques. I let go, into a Zen like state.
First images to present themselves in my mind’s eye are only what I can describe as Rorschach ink blots. Then a smokey grey nebula like haze that transforms continually into various and random forms. Within them, birds and unrecognizable face like forms take their place. The nebula like cloud appears to change from grey to deep purple. It begins to clear through the center. I begin to see distant but clear stars in the darkness of space. Then the joyride comes to an end.
The little kids in Somalia, that would use our trash to make toys and soccer balls are playing in a small crowd. They seem to be having fun, I recall feeling happy for a split second. Then, feelings of utter disgust in humanity fill my chest, neck, face and head. An overwhelming contempt for the leadership of that time. Those who thought it wise to pull up stakes and abandon the people of Somalia in exchange for political points needed to secure the next election outcome. Shame, guilt, resentment, sadness and finally, uncontrollable tears.
Internally, all I could imagine was the fear of those people when they knew we were leaving them to continue to suffer and die. In the midst of the sadness appears my youngest daughter. She is playing soccer with those children. Dirty, no shoes, hair a mess, with the same sense of confusion as all the others.
More tears flow as I recall the social norms of that nation. 90% of girls are killed at birth. Girls were not the ones playing soccer. Never. Only the boys got to play. The girls did the laundry, got food, supplies, were tortured and routinely raped. All while we followed United Nations, “Rules of Engagement”, witnessing their social and cultural norms unfold in front of us. Like neutered dogs on a short chain, we were helpless to intervene.
The nebula again appears, my head pounding harder. I take off the headphones and eye cover. Sit up, dry my eyes, look around the room. That sucked. I didn’t want to go there. But there it was, even with my eyes open.
We take a break, discuss the typical cognitive restructuring strategies. But still, the heaviness of those recollections sits in my chest and head. Yet, this is the work I signed up for. So let’s get back to it.
I lay back down, breathe, relax, breathe. There’s the nebula again. It clears to distant stars and then a stone tablet emerges with some sort of inscriptions. A clay pot with an inscription and a lampshade over it. The inscription is unlike anything I was aware of. More like rounded symbols of some sort. More breathing. Back into the nebula I go. A lifeless body ascends in the darkness of space, but peacefully. More faces, more birds, a fern leaf.
Interestingly, the scooping out of an avocado with a spoon. Breathe.
What appears next looks to be two columns of inscribed stone walls running parallel. I am standing at one end looking towards the other side. Seems like a desert. Dry. Nothing is there, but the walls on either side of me. As though I was standing at the opening on a stone platform, slightly elevated, but at equal height. Then it’s gone. Back into the nebula I go. A profile of a baby in utero floats around the periphery of the nebula. Peacefully. Several times. More birds, more faces.
Suddenly, I am looking at two hands firmly holding a dagger about to be thrust into my stomach. I remove the eye covers and disclose what I saw. I laughingly make sure the two therapists were not going to kill me. Back into the nebula, breathe.
I’ve had enough, it’s about time for lunch so I sit up. Head still pounding. Eat, talk, then slide back down to do it all over again.
This time it takes noticeably longer to go back into the blank space of nothingness. Then I see the lifeless body ascending upward again. Peacefully. More birds of various shapes, the profile of the baby in utero again and again.
Next, what seems as though I am watching someone or something climb the side of a pyramid in a desert like background setting. Part bird, part man, large wings, but hands and feet too. As we ascend to the peak we are both aware we can see all around us. Then in an instant, the wings of this creature open and swoosh downward, excelling us upward to the edge of Earth and space. I can see the atmosphere in my periphery, bending along the curvature of the planet, peacefully looking down upon it.
The allegory of the cave, or Plato's Cave, was presented by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work Republic (514a–520a) to compare "the effect of education (παιδεία) and the lack of it on our nature".
Breath and return back into the darkness. A figure sitting in a cave, back to the entrance, candle lit behind him, looking forward at the image being cast by the shadow on the stone wall. (Plato’s allegory of the cave)- I know this story and what it represents. Instead of stopping to discuss, I stay with it to see where it goes.
Then, the image of the person sitting in the cave is seemingly sucked out of the cave and pulled upward. Next, “we” look downward over the land beneath us. What seemed like a few hundred to a thousand feet below us. Silently, peacefully, observing. The image fades to black. Breath, remove the shades and headphones. We talk about it.
Take a break. Back in we go. Breathe. Some distance in front of me, but no longer over me, the dagger reappears. Then two kings appear to be holding the dagger. Perhaps handing it off. Two snakes then climb up the blade of the dagger. The dagger becomes the medical symbol with the wings of a bird atop it. The same wings that appeared earlier on the image on the pyramid. Fade to black. I remove the headphones and eye covers, sit up and talk about it.
It’s getting later in the day. About 3:30pm. My head is still pounding. Last blood pressure check still good. Resting heart-rate at 49 bpm.
Lay back down, headphones and eye covers back on. Breathe. Into the nebula we go. Distant stars in the clearing. The profile of an Indian Chief appears. He’s wearing a long headdress of feathers that are nearly touching the ground. He is doing some sort of dance. Lifting his knees about waist high. I am an observer. A camp fire emerges just beyond him. Next, three small Indian girls are sitting on a log, next to the fire, lookin up at the Chief.
I am tearing up under the eye covers. The children are transfixed in wonder. The Chief maintains their attention through the dance, story and humor. Periodic moments of laughter occur from he children. A few smiles look downward from the chief at his children. I stay with it as long as my mind allows. Fade to black, headphones and eye covers off, sit up. Head pounding, we process and discuss.
Never having seen the dragon fly, but illusions were plenty.
The therapy team departs. I eat dinner. Attempt to find a book on symbols in the library that is in the same room. Instead, I notice a neatly combined set of the ancient texts of various global religions. But I am too tired to go any further. It’s only 7:30pm. I go to sleep. Several times throughout the evening I awake to journal recollections of some of the images and what they might mean.
Processing the possible meanings
The following morning, January 9th. I awake and begin sketching the images from the day prior. I am not an artist, but the sketches, seen above, are a fair reflection of what my mind presented.
After all of the sketches were completed, I began to look up the images to see if I could find anything similar or of meaning. I started with the dagger. The shape of the one my mind presented appeared to be from the medieval era. The closest to it I could find is pictured to the right. The dagger my mind presented had red gems on the outer section of the side handles and gem stones throughout the handle. (I know little about daggers and kings and do not collect knives.) Perhaps the image of the dagger being thrust into my stomach represented vulnerability. While later, the dagger being held by the two kings, turning into the medical symbol represented healing. Perhaps.
Next, I wanted to see if I could recognize anything from the inscriptions on the clay lamp, stone tablet or the horizontal stone walls. While searching the web, a chart of symbols jumped out at me. Nearly identical in shape and form to what appeared in my mind. Nearly immediately, what appeared to be the exact shape on the clay pot was visible on the chart.
The image I saw was a Syriac, Aramaic symbol “Beth” meaning “House”. The stone tablets and columns were too large and complex to pull any one detail off of. But the carvings matched the shape, contours and texture of the symbols in the chart above.
The dancing Indian Chief, based on a web search, brings up some interesting history. Linked above. However, my personal interpretation is more of a father instructing his children. Sharing life lessons, knowledge, wisdom, and belief systems.
The ascension of the bird/human like creature from atop the pyramid closely resembled the image of an archangel. A chief angel. A protector. While the ascending image from Plato’s cave to a representation of awareness, clarity and wisdom through education and experience.
Regardless of what illusions my mind presented, themes emerge without overthinking anything: Faith, house, home, humility, family, awareness, wisdom, knowledge, effort, hardship, pain, resilience.
All I can imagine: What will this same process be like when I am actually influenced by MDMA.
Until next time.
March 7 2020 Update:
This was the final of three, full day, 8 hour, two-on-one psychotherapy sessions. Followed by an overnight stay and another hour-and-a-half, two-on-one psychotherapy session the next morning. Interestingly, this journey swept through my childhood to today, with me as an observer along for the ride. A common theme of balance was observed. Concluding with a gratuitous conversation with God and a warning.
Unlike the all day stays one and two on January 18th and February 8th, this one was far less emotional. More of an enlightening period through various epiphanies tied together as a web of observations and reflections of how life events have shaped who I am today.
Every memorable life event: the good, bad and ugly were visited during meditation and breathing while my eyes were covered and music played. Yet, rather than emotions, there was only awareness and at times, a sense of weightlessness.
At one point recalling the image of Buddha in meditation. Also the Yin & Yang symbol. A large spider web. At one point I watched the black panther laying down watching her cubs as a male lion and its pride walked up and lay down next to it. Both against one another, back to back staring out into the dry distance of the desert landscape. I look up as an observer and I see a Bald eagle circling overhead. From there, I am looking down from above the eagle at the entire landscape wondering where the water is and feeling the heat. Then an elephant walked up to cast shade on them both. Then I see the river off in my periphery from above. Next, the elephants, lions and panthers head over to the water.
At the river, in the distance up stream, I watch from overhead as a large snake and a gator fight in the water. Never sensing a threat or fear from any of the other animals, I fade back out to my breathing, process and discuss.
What happened at the end of the day was most memorable. As I reset and began some deep breathing I took a few moments to internally pray, thanking God for this experience. For the opportunity to heal through this work while learning from two great therapists how to feel. To actually, feel. An overwhelming sense of gratitude took hold as I began to quietly recall all the amazing blessings I have received in this life thus far.
But what began to surface was a clear awareness of the value of life’s traumas and how they bolstered a foundation upon which my resiliency has grown. Simultaneously, an awareness of the value of balance between hardship and resiliency. An almost immediate confidence that I would not be who I am today were it not for faith in God’s guidance, and strength through most of the chapters of life, I would rather not have had to endure.
Yet, there they all were, stepping stones of experiences, coupled with great mentors along the way, a naturally unfolding proving ground for who it is I have and will become.
Then, (not in a voice or identifiable presence) I am with the feeling of gratitude, and then suddenly handed (the feeling of) absolute power (for a split second). In an instant, all the stories of the ancient texts run through my head. The repetitive sequence of humanity unfolding along with the blindingly clear understanding of how power corrupts.
A warning to use the wisdom given to me, to do good. A reminder to not fall victim to the desires of influence, power, wealth and materiality. A hard nudge to maintain honor for God first and help as many as I can using all the gifts I have been given. Then more reminders to remain humble and never forget each experience that has made me who I am today and how to use it all to serve humanity. To continue forward with this new perception of everything.
May 6 2020 Update:
As Phase 3 of this study wraps up, it is garnering national media attention for its promising results.